The Way the Music Died

Posted on May 21, 2012 by

She’s happily listening to “American Girl.” And none of us ever will again.
Photo credits: Pyxurz

I’ve always had an inexplicable aversion to Chianti. If someone were to just fill up my glass without my knowledge I’d drink it and love it; but I won’t order it, I don’t want to talk about it, and even seeing the name on the label sends a tiny chill down my spine. I recently realized the source of my repugnance is the same as the reason I can’t ever get through the song “American Girl” by Tom Petty – it’s Hannibal Lecter’s fault. The Senator’s daughter innocently jamming out to the tune, just before being kidnapped by Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, officially killed a once perfectly harmless – and arguably awesome – song.

While effective, psycho killers aren’t the only method of slaughtering a beautiful song. Alcohol-inspired sing-a-longs are also deft music killing machines. Thanks to the movie 27 Dresses, and every single nightclub in the entire city of Las Vegas, “Bennie and the Jets” and “Don’t Stop Believin’,” respectively, have each lost a coveted spot on my iPod.

TV show theme songs are also music assassins, but the death is long and torturous – often lasting for years. Can anyone still listen to The Who’s “Who Are You” or “Baba O’Riley” without visions of crime tape and blood spatter? And while I never personally enjoyed Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Wanna Wait,” I think Dawson’s Creek brought that song both to life and death.

Last, and absolutely least, commercials are the official graveyard of amazing songs. If it’s a car commercial, your song is safe. If it’s an Old Navy commercial (RIP “Only in My Dreams” and “Sister Christian”) then I highly recommend you hit mute or get a TiVo.

Some songs are immortalized by their on-screen presence. Just ask Kenny Loggins or the cast of My Best Friend’s Wedding. I’ll never be able to separate Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” from the train scene in Risky Business, or “Playing with the Boys” from Cruise and Kilmer’s glistening abs in Top Gun. Sure a movie montage here and there may briefly dampen the spirit of the song, but nothing brings my musical bliss to a screeching halt faster than the image of that creepy Buffalo Bill asking Katherine to “put the lotion in the basket” whenever Mr. Petty starts his croon. Incidentally, I also hate fava beans.

What’s the song you can’t ever listen to the same way again?

Posted in 80s, Commentary, Humor, Movies, Music, Nostalgia, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 14 Comments

A Very Special Episode

Posted on April 27, 2012 by

Ok I'm not really this old.

I’ve been an avid TV fan since Frasier had hair and you had to stand up to change the channel. My parents and I would gather around the television with our TV trays and watch everything from the Cosby Show to Knots Landing to the Church Lady. Situation comedies in particular influenced my path to adulthood in many wonderful ways. In fact, I first learned how to speak Valley Girl from an episode of Family Ties (gag me with a spoon!)

Yet there’s a certain something missing from today’s television shows – that element of family togetherness strengthened only by watching your favorite sitcom personas learn valuable lessons whilst undergoing extreme duress sans laugh track. Where have all the “very special episodes” gone?

Once upon a Full House, you’d know it was getting serious when the “very special” leitmotif played in the background of DJ skipping school or Stephanie considering a cigarette or Michelle getting amnesia. A very minor B story line would keep the mood light, but the real drama would unfold at a breathtaking pace while my Swanson mashed potatoes cooled in their little plastic tray.

I’ve never had a larger lump in my throat than when Chandler Bing (aka Mr. Matthew Perry) died on Growing Pains after a drunk driving incident, I’ve never been as glued to the screen as when Jessie spun out of control while singing “I’m So Excited” on Saved by the Bell, and I’ve never had a greater anticipation for a night of television than when I heard the words, “tune in for an unforgettable episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”

Sure Charlie died on Two and Half Men and everybody has a serious (yet awe-inspiring) drinking problem on Cougar Town, but where are the heartstrings to be tugged and lessons to be learned?

Perhaps it’s because spoiler sites lessen the impact, perhaps it’s because families don’t watch TV together anymore, or perhaps it’s just because after six seasons of Sex and the City nothing can be considered “special” anymore. But whatever the reason, I want to cry during sitcoms again!

What is the “very special episode” your remember most?

Posted in 80s, Commentary, Family, Humor, Life, Nostalgia, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Fifteen Minutes of Food Fame

Posted on April 23, 2012 by

 

Red velvet cupcakes from Sprinkles Bakery

The first time I ever encountered red velvet cake was in Steel Magnolias when they serve a red velvet armadillo groom’s cake at a wedding of surprisingly un-squeamish guests. The road kill-inspired delicacy turned me off to the concept of red velvet until the early 2000s when I started noticing a surprising trend – the cupcake frenzy. The petite starlet of first grade birthday party fame was suddenly chic, suddenly talked about, and suddenly experiencing the kind of celebrity once reserved for animate objects. And the flavor most often rocking the red carpet was, apropos, red velvet. A decade later, the flavor is still so popular it’s actually infused in both vodka and wine (both currently on my shelf).

The struggles of food celebrity rival that of real celebrity, and foods have just as a hard a time staying relevant. “The other white meat” has had been campaigning for years but hasn’t yet landed its pivotal role; while food-on-a-stick has reinvented itself time and time again – it’s most talked about transformation being when it shed its fried Snickers in favor of a ball of cake. But cabbage soup, fondue, the casserole, Atomic War Heads, and anything with the word “fusion” – all of these things enjoyed a temporary spotlight only to retire to “Where Are They Now?” status.

Yet several classics that once enjoyed a modest career have experienced a successful comeback. S’mores can now be found in the trendiest restaurants served with a dash of cayenne and a personal burner, and mac and cheese has gone gourmet with additions like lobster and truffle oil. Sweet potatoes have shed their Thanksgiving side dish type-casting by taking on more challenging roles – most recently as both tater tot and gnocchi.

While food-culture phenoms argue the red velvet’s star is finally going the way of the 2009 pomegranate martini fizzle, other foods are just beginning to feel the spotlight. Thanks to amazing PR coverage and frequent buzz amongst celebrity chefs, kale is the new spinach and chocolate won’t go anywhere without sea salt. The squash family notoriety is also climbing with acorn, spaghetti and butternut taking leading roles across all meal genres.

A food’s “fifteen minutes” can last decades without incident or be unceremoniously stopped short by an unexpected newcomer (goodbye cupcake, hello cake ball). Our only role is to savor the show as long as it lasts.

What are your favorite food trends?

Posted in Commentary, Cooking, Food, Humor, Movies, Nostalgia | Tagged , , , , , | 32 Comments

Bananas Won’t Make You Fat – And Nine Other Secrets to Life

Posted on April 17, 2012 by

I adore a good epiphany – when you’re plodding through life, doing something completely innocuous, then suddenly a moment captures your attention and a tiny little metaphorical light bulb begins blazing in your head. Once the buzz subsides, you are left with a little nugget of perfect knowledge that you either want to shout from the rooftops or squirrel away for safekeeping.

For me, these epiphanies present themselves in all forms – some are products I’ll never be the same without, some are words of wisdom, and some are just common sense. But I’ve been collecting epiphanies for thirty years, and I’ve decided it’s time to stop hoarding:

Secret 1: Chocolate and fruity sweets should not be permitted to mingle in the same candy dish.

Secret 2: Kill them with kindness. In college when I was living in Paris and mad at my boyfriend because he wouldn’t visit me, my mom told me to send him a care package. I tried to explain that this would really undermine the “you suck” message I was trying to send, but by the time all the French chocolates and souvenirs were popped in la poste the resentment had morphed into joy. These days, if you’d like to ruin my day there’s probably a bottle of wine in it for you.

Secret 3: Keep a pen, safety-pin, lip balm, and a twenty dollar bill in every purse, junk drawer, suit case, briefcase, and glove compartment.

Secret 4: Use Cascade Complete. I admit I’m more likely to be “green” when there’s something in it for me. So when I got a sample of these little detergent pellets with the challenge from P&G to not wash my dishes before washing my dishes I was elated. I haven’t rinsed a single dish or soaked a crusty casserole pan in almost a year. The best part? You can wait days before running the dishwasher – oh yes and you save oceans of water.

Secret 5: You can’t afford not to go to the dentist.

Secret 6: Know how to cheer yourself up. It’s unacceptably annoying when other people can’t read your mind and just “fix it” for you; so grab yourself a glass of wine, send yourself flowers, dance around naked to George Michael – or whatever it is you need to do – and let your loved ones off the hook for your happiness.

Secret 7: Invest in a heart rate monitor. That really high calorie burn on the treadmill is just trying to flatter you.

Secret 8: Nobody ever got fat from eating too many bananas. My gym likes to post motivational messages throughout the locker room to ensure you aren’t chasing your elliptical session with a Snickers bar. One recently explained that you would need to run a mile to negate the calories in a banana. I tore it town.

Secret 9: If you were supposed to answer the phone every time it rang, they wouldn’t have invented voicemail.

Secret 10: Understand sunk costs. Dear parents at Disneyland, if you’re getting cranky and your kids are tired, please just take them home and stop making them have fun. Your money isn’t prorated but your sanity is. This also applies to walking out of crappy movies, not finishing a meal at a restaurant, and throwing away those expensive shoes that make you bleed.

I showed you mine now you show me yours. What are your best life secrets?

Posted in Commentary, Family, Fitness, Food, Friends, Health, Humor, Life Lessons, Mobile, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 39 Comments

When I Was Your Age

Posted on April 12, 2012 by

My throwback 30th birthday cake

I recently celebrated my brother’s seventh birthday at a magical place called Chuck E. Cheese’s. From the golden tokens being manually jiggled into their slots to the rogue skee-balls rolling around the floor to the kids pooling their tickets to buy matching jelly bracelets, the experience was reminiscent of birthday parties of yore. In fact, aside from someone finally determining the much-beloved ball pit was really just a colorful urinal, Chuck E. Cheese’s appears to be one of few childhood experiences untouched by time. It was fun to tell my brother I had the same birthday experience when I was his age.

But with the “dinner’s ready” text replacing the porch light flash and the personal gaming system replacing family game night and the iPad replacing everything else, it’s high time we update the “when I was your age stories.” (No one still believes that walked-to-school-in-the-snow-uphill-both-ways one anyways).Thus, “when I was your age”:

  1. Birthday party invitations came in an envelope
  2. Road trip entertainment consisted of coloring books and family sing-a-longs
  3. When you sent mail to someone, you could count on not having to hear back from them for at least a few weeks
  4. Having a roll of film developed was an expensive and exhilarating crap shoot
  5. You had to calculate and manually record your own bowling score
  6. Finding a Scrabble partner was an arduous task
  7. The only new TV shows on during the summer were Lifetime movies
  8. “Going to the library” was a common leisure activity
  9. Highways across America were littered with the tinsel-like remnants of cassette tapes
  10. You had to memorize everyone’s phone number
  11. The only electronics to fear being grounded from were a curling iron and crimper
  12. In order to play a game you had to be in the same room as your opponents
  13. When someone told you to “look it up” they were referring to an encyclopedia
  14. If you wanted to know if a boy liked you it required a hand-written multiple choice note
  15. Reading other people’s diaries was considered inappropriate
  16. Final versions of book reports were written using black ink, college-ruled paper, and sporadic splotches of white-out
  17. If you really liked a song on the radio you just had to keep on listening and hope for the best
  18. When you were done with a movie you had to rewind it or risk being fined
  19. “Posting” referred to the finger paintings, recipes, and photos on your refrigerator
  20. If something ran out of juice you had to go buy new batteries

It seems times are changing far faster in this generation than the last, and the “trials and tribulations” we went through as children don’t seem so rough until we’re explaining them to a kid who never had to learn cursive.

What “when I was your age” story can you add to the list?

Posted in 80s, Commentary, Friends, Home, Humor, Life, Mobile, Nostalgia, Phone, School, Social Media | Tagged , , , , | 29 Comments

Kreativ Blogger Award – Paying it Forward

Posted on April 9, 2012 by

I recently received a lovely unbirthday gift from fellow blogger (and clever commenter) armchairauthor – a nomination for the Kreativ Blogger Award. My duties as a nominee are simple: first I am to tell you ten random things about myself that you may not know; second, I am to nominate ten of my favorite bloggers for the Kreativ Blogger Award; and third (I made this one up but I think it’s fitting), I am to direct your attention to armchairauthor’s fabulously astute blog about everything books. A recent gem: The Wisdom of the Fool Won’t Set You Free: Love Triangles in YA Lit

Ten Answers to Your Unasked Questions

  1. I believe wine bottles and books are absolutely to be judged by their cover
  2. I can identify any episode of Friends by one line of dialogue
  3. I don’t eat salads on principle
  4. I’m that friend of a friend of your cousin’s step-brother that actually used poison oak as toilet paper
  5. I collect Absolut ads and have over 500 from various countries
  6. My first job was decorating other people’s Christmas trees (the secret is to use 100 lights per foot)
  7. I’m madly in love with Andrew McCarthy and John Cusack and any other adorkable wavy-haired 80s icon who shunned their social status in the name of love
  8. I bring home a piece of art and a Christmas ornament from every country I visit
  9. I’m from Chicago but I like my pizza crust thin and my hot dogs plain
  10. When I write left handed the words come out as a mirror image of themselves

Ten Blogs You Should Be Reading

  1. Maximum Wage: An amusing perspective on just about everything
  2. The Food and Wine Hedonist: More reasons to drink and eat than you knew you needed
  3. Notquiteold: An unapologetic look at growing gracefully for those at any age
  4. Live, Nerd, Repeat: Great writing, great comics, great insights
  5. Cravesadventure: This blog will take you away to somewhere you’d rather be
  6. Paul Before Swine: “Pearls or wisdom, opinion, and things left unsaid”
  7.  Lorna’s Voice: What she doesn’t say is just as funny as what she does
  8. Nancy Francis: From travel to food to granny panties – this blog has a little bit of everything
  9. My 30-Something Life: Exactly like it sounds but in a good way
  10. Go Guilty Pleasures: A new favorite – any friend of guilty pleasures is a friend of mine

Thanks again for the nomination, and thanks to my fellow bloggers for the consistently great reads!

Posted in Commentary, Humor, Life, Social Media, Uncategorized, Work, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Peep Show

Posted on April 4, 2012 by

My mantra has always been, “if it’s not chocolate it’s not worth it,” so when Easter candy makes its annual appearance about four days after Christmas I eschew the jelly beans and hard candies in favor of, well pretty much anything. But several years ago, right around the time they introduced Peeps in a rainbow of neon colors resembling my 1990 wardrobe, I decided it might be time to drop the Cadbury Cream Egg for one (really really brief) moment and give the sugary marshmallow Easter staple a second glance.

After trying them fresh, stale, refrigerated, frozen and in all different colors – an unnecessary yet enjoyable experiment – I decided that they are pretty darn ok. So ok in fact, that I employed a further battery of tests to prove my new hypothesis: there’s a lot you can do with a Peep. Here are my findings:

Peep S’mores: The addition of a chocolate element was a critical compatibility test. Two fudge stripe cookies plus one Peep (I recommend blue) plus seven seconds in the microwave equals no need to ever go camping again. I’m confident this research paved the way for the chocolate-dipped Peeps now available at a Target near you.

 Peeptinis: After the chocolate triumph, booze was the obvious evolution. An Easter-themed girls’ night was the perfect setting to add marshmallow flavored vodka to a standard cosmo mix. A sugared rim with a pink Peep perched on the edge finished off the cocktail. The concoction was delicious – but the Peeps quickly drowned leaving a sticky sugary mess. Lesson? Chug.

Peep Kabobs: A wooden skewer piercing alternating Peeps and fruit chunks is much like biting off a chocolate bunny head – sadistic and satisfying. It’s also rather yummy.

Peep Salad: Clear the kiddos out of the room for this one as it’s about to get a little gruesome. Replace the mini marshmallows in the Jell-O salad with chunks of Peep. Yes chunks. I feel wrong just typing that.

Peep Jousting: A colleague introduced me to this official sport of Easter. Take two Peeps in opposing colors (this is absolutely critical so everyone knows who to root for). Give them a toothpick sword to fight over (stick one side in each of them), then pop them in the microwave for a few seconds and watch ‘em fight to the death! Loser becomes a s’more.   

So after a series of highly scientific experiments I have proof positive. Peeps are welcome in my Easter basket anytime. Give these a try, and once the sugar high subsides you’ll have plenty of time to recover before Peep potato pie at Thanksgiving.

What’s your favorite Easter indulgence?

Posted in Cooking, Family, Food, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , | 15 Comments