One-Upping the One-Downer

Posted on May 21, 2013 by

elephant_downerThe other night a friend and I both had a random song in our heads we couldn’t quite place. A quick smartphone search later and we learned it was from the musical Legally Blonde. My friend said, “oh that’s right I saw that on Broadway!” Without missing a beat I replied, “Cool, I saw it in London.” In the moment I thought I was just stating a fact, but I quickly realized I was inadvertently being one of “those people” we all love to hate – the One-Upper.

One-Uppers freely roam the streets these days, ready to pounce on your relatively cool statement with something decidedly more awesome. Your weekend at the pool is no match for the One-Upper’s weekend by the ocean. If you’ve been to Paris, the One-Upper has been there twice. The One-Upper will take your 10K walk and raise you one half marathon. See a new movie the other night? The One-Upper saw it first and could’ve warned you it was terrible. There are also One-Uppers who sneak up on us without speaking a word. Those of you who skillfully craft Pinterest-worthy cake pops whilst juggling two Ralph Lauren-clad toddlers and a demanding job – I’m talking about you.

While one-ups can be a subtle means of competition, sometimes they simply jettison out of our mouths unsanctioned as a means to connect. Even the best of us are guilty of a good thunder stealing now and then. Innocent or not, we’ve been one-upping each other since the my-dad-can-beat-up-your-dad days. But there’s a hot new trend taking the world of one-upping by storm – one-downing.

One-Downers are bred from this era when excellence is perceived as sleeping less, working more, and being a little less happy. You’ll first recognize the One-Downer by his ho hum response to your not-at-all-interested-just-trying-to-be-nice chit chat. Did the One-Downer have a nice weekend? Doubtful. Did the One-Downer enjoy his vacation? Nah.

Rather than attempt to top you, the One-Downer prefers to claim rock bottom. If you’ve put on two pounds, the One-Downer has put on five. If your flight was delayed thirty minutes, the One-Downer suffered a cancellation and a long red eye. If you had a rough night of sleep, the One-Downer has been awake since last Thursday. The One-Downer is busier than you, broker than you and has fewer Instagram followers than you. His misery is not at all interested in your company. The One-Downer sucks all the fun out of one-upping.

We’ve all done stuff, been places, seen things, and otherwise been around a block or two – so when a friend announces a fill-in-the-blank accomplishment/happening/exploit, it can be difficult not to unintentionally steal the show. But in the battle of the One-Uppers versus the One-Downers, I‘d rather be one of “those people” that went to London (three times!) anytime.

Did anyone one-up or one-down you today?

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 13 Comments

How to be Brilliantly Vague: Corporate Jargon Part 2

Posted on May 9, 2013 by

elephant_jargonI once had a professor who enjoyed incorporating unnecessarily lengthy words in his lectures. At first he sounded brilliant and I hung on his every really long word. Alas, this was a class in accounting rather than rhetoric, so it wasn’t long before my classmates and I began to notice that his eloquence was a tactic to cover up the fact that he wasn’t really saying anything at all. Thank goodness for grading on a curve.

What I didn’t realize at the time, however, was he was unknowingly teaching us how to leverage and decode a time-honored business practice we’d be faced with our entire lives – vagueness.

As you wander the halls of just about any workplace (or classroom), listen closely and you will hear the sounds of brilliantly vague buzzwords and catch phrases leaving the mouths of highly intelligent people – present company included. The I’ll-circle-backs, mission-criticals and key-learnings used to convey confidence and authority are often the best means of conversation avoidance. We believe one nebulous phrase equals one satisfied colleague. “She said she’d keep me in the loop on next steps. That girl is on top of it.”

Ambiguity is our way of not appearing flaky, or lazy, or just plain dumb. Here are a few of my favorites:

It’s just a trial = I’m sorta kinda sure this idea could be slightly awesome. If I’m right then I intend to take full credit, but if not I prefer not to be held accountable.

I’ll keep you looped in = Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Let’s start with some brainstorming = I’m not really sure where I’m going with this yet but I’ve got a flip chart and some smelly markers so let’s get cracking.

I’m still hashing out the details = I assumed you all forgot about this so I stopped working on it.

We’ve elected to adopt some new best practices = This is someone else’s idea.

I was multitasking = I have no idea what you just said.

This will be a working session = I forgot about this meeting, so together we can do all the work that I was supposed to do in the first place.

FAQ, ROI, HQ, FYI, ASAP: If I throw in enough acronyms nobody will ask questions.

It’s in the approval phase: This is the corporate equivalent of “check’s in the mail.” Don’t hold your breath.

Whether it’s answering a question with a question or having a meeting about a meeting, we’ve all developed our own song-and-dance methods of saying absolutely nothing. Being evasive is an art form to be mastered. In fact, being vague and noncommittal is also a great way to avoid some of life’s sticky situations like awkward party invites or second dates.

Of course, many of us don’t tolerate vagueness. We cut through the fluff and demand “next steps” and “action items” and “follow through” – assuming we aren’t too busy multitasking to notice we’ve been duped.

Have you ever been sort of slightly almost guilty of saying a little bit of nothing?

Related posts:
People are Flakes
Little Bo Peep Was Multitasking
Stop Eating My Low Hanging Fruit - Corporate Jargon Part 1

Posted in Commentary, Humor, Life Lessons, School, Work | Tagged , , , , , , | 33 Comments

Better Never Than Early

Posted on April 11, 2013 by

earlyadopterI recently discovered this pretty nifty little device called an iPhone – it’s kind of like an iPod but you can make calls on it and apparently it’s all the rage. I decided I should probably buy one and I’m feeling awesome about my decision. I’ve been raving about it to all my friends, who stare at me in the same pitiful way they did in 2010 when I told them about Craigslist, or last month when I told them about Skype. For someone who works in social media and has been in the wireless industry for more than ten years, I’m not what you’d call an early adopter.

Trends don’t slip by me entirely unnoticed – I do read back issues of Vogue at the doctor’s office – but I tend to let them settle in for a few years and see how they fare before jumping on the better-late-than-never bandwagon. I’m still finishing up the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series and I own just two pair of skinny jeans. Unless it’s a movie (I’m a cinematic over-adopter), if people are talking about it, I tend to avoid it.

I’m not sure how the trendy gene passed me by. My grandma got her first pair of UGGs straight from Australia in the 80s, my dad bought two of those first $1000 VCRs, and my mom had a cutting-edge perm for most of my childhood. I, on the other hand, tiptoed into the colored jeans trend with an inconspicuous shade of blue and still use the word “rad” regularly.

So because rationalizing one’s shortcomings is an important part of personal growth, I feel I must explain why it’s ok that I don’t eat quinoa, I’ve never read the Harry Potter series, and I refuse to acknowledge the existence of 3D TVs.

I’m cheap: While some of the greatest trends of our time weren’t so pricey (pet rocks, Garbage Pail Kids, Google +); some sting quite a bit more when their fifteen minutes of fame is up – as anyone with a laser disc collection, a segway, or stock in Facebook can attest.

I’m lazy: If you wait around long enough… the book becomes a movie, the phone price drops, the TV profile slims, and the peplum goes out of style (please).

I’m impatient: Even if supplies are restricted, seats are limited, or Elmos are ticklish, nothing sounds as miserable as standing in line overnight to be the very first one to do something that I can do tomorrow – or in three years – without waiting.

I’m chicken: What if I can’t pull off statement sunglasses? What if I get the new iPad and then the iPad17 comes out? What if I cut bangs and look like Angelica Huston?

I’m a follower: Being on the forefront of technology, fashion, and entertainment is an amazing talent – for other people. While I’m up to date on the blogs, charts, and best-seller lists, before I read Lean In or wear TOMS, I need proof of concept from someone I know. I learned this lesson the hard way by reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

While in 1990 I had just about the coolest crimped and Rave-spackled locks in all of Sarah Adams Elementary, it’s been quite a long time since I was on the cutting edge of anything. I like to think my approach has saved me time, money and agony, but I’m not gonna lie – I really wish I figured out this iPhone thing earlier.

Are you an early adopter or not? What trends are you glad you avoided? Any you wish you got to sooner?

Related Posts: Voice of Unreason: No, I’ve Never Seen the Godfather, Fifteen Minutes of Food Fame

Posted in 80s, Commentary, Friends, Humor, Nostalgia, Phone, Social Media | Tagged , , , , , | 65 Comments

Waiting Game

Posted on March 26, 2013 by

elephant_lineupAfter tying double knots in our shoelaces and crying to get what we want, the art of lining up is one of the first lessons we learn as a child. We lined up for lunch, we lined up for field trips, and we lined up for class photos. The process was designed to teach order, patience, and how to alphabetize by last name.

With my above-average height and “T” surname, I spent most of my childhood bringing up the rear. So I used my unique vantage point to perfect the art of lining up. From line selection to line merging to line waiting, I’m now a calm collected pro. And as we’re all aware that grown-up lines tend to entail more chaos and frustration than the lines of yesteryear, I’d love to bestow some of the rules I’ve set for myself to ensure a peaceful line-going experience:

Line Selection

Rule #1: Don’t be sucked in by the shortest option. Eight business women in flip flops waiting for TSA screening always beats a four-member family wearing matching t-shirts.

Rule #2: People watch. Families usually equal one line item and friends are most often an individual head count. While it may be unappealing to wait for popcorn behind a gaggle of Shrek 11 watchers, it will probably be the fastest option.

Rule #3: On the flipside, no matter how small, never ever ever get behind a group of unattended kids at the grocery store. They are paying separately and likely using quarters.

Rule #4: Pick a lane. Whether you’re navigating rush hour or having each of your friends man a line until one starts moving more quickly, the six seconds you may save aren’t worth the frustration. More importantly – you’re driving everyone else crazy.

Line Merging

Rule #5: Avoid mob mentality. People seem to really enjoy making up one line to feed into what are really multiple lines. Confidently waltz up to the open register/terminal/what-have-you and do your business. Be prepared for death stares from wished-they’d-thought-of-it-first strangers.

Rule #6: If there’s a fork in the line for your roller coaster ride and everyone seems to veer right, don’t assume they know something you don’t. Assume they are cattle and move away from the herd.

Rule #7: Give the pre-thank-you-wave. They may not have planned to let you merge. They may not want to let you merge. They may curse you for the next forty-five minutes for making them let you merge. But you did the pre-thank-you-wave so your conscience is clear.

Line Waiting

Rule #8: Have something better to do. Whether it’s talking on the phone, checking your Pinterest feed, or reading the t-shirt of the guy in front of you, find something to occupy your time so you’re less frustrated by the woman whose fourteen friends just joined her in front of you. Plus, this allows you to avoid pre-thank-you-waves from others.

Rule #9: Remember that annoyance is annoying. Your foot tapping and under-breath mumbling about slow cashiers and idiot customers just proves you have nothing better to do. Relocate behind someone with an interesting shirt to read.

Rule #10: Don’t be “that guy/gal.” Take off your shoes for TSA, have your entire party present at the hostess stand, know which drink you want at the bar, and have your ticket out at the movie theater.

What keeps you sane (or drives you nearly insane) whilst waiting in line?

Posted in Commentary, Friends, Humor, Life Lessons, Nostalgia, School, Travel, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 197 Comments

Party Pooper Prevention

Posted on January 31, 2013 by

elephant_wineMy circle of friends adores gatherings. Game nights, cook offs, birthdays, Tuesdays – anything is an excuse to throw a shindig. Sometimes we go big with over-the-top themes, Pinterest-inspired décor, and elaborate menus; but even our simple weekly Bachelor nights have a better RSVP rate than most weddings.

Yet this year, a friend of mine is skipping the Superbowl party circuit to attend a “sprinkle.” I assumed this was some kind of cupcake convention, but apparently it’s a baby shower for when you’ve already had a baby shower but your friends still want to throw you a baby shower. Calling it a “sprinkle” not only takes it outside of Emily Post’s realm, but also gives the party the needed allure to make you consider passing on the chance of wings and seven layer dip to coo over yellow onesies. It’s a brilliant tactic, but when a good friend is missing it throws a little party poop on the Superbowl shindigs.

In a time of evites and meetups and over-purchased wine-tasting Groupons, grown up social calendars now rival those of over-achieving grade-schoolers, and it’s becoming more difficult to secure that coveted “yes” on an RSVP. And if you do manage to make it to party day with a full house, there are still dozens of tiny details to attend to that ensure your party isn’t a bust.

I’ll leave it to you to remember to put the potato salad in the fridge until serving time, but what I can assist with is how to manage the extensive cast of party pooper personalities that may cross your threshold:

Flakers: They’ve been chatting about your party for weeks, they’ve bought the cutest new top, and they even offered to make the cheesecake. Yet low and behold, on party night the no-show-baby-sitter-doctor’s-appointment-family-in-town-no-sleep-last-night excuses rear their ugly heads and your party must go on sans cheesecake. People are flakes. Buy your own cheesecake.

Double-Bookers: Assuming you’re the final festivity of their night, you win. But if your guests haven’t even handed over your new bottle of wine before making sure it’s clear they must leave at 8:30 at the latest then you have a Double-Booker on your hands. But don’t lose hope – depending on your party planning skills and the temperature of that potato salad, your Double Booker could turn into somebody else’s Flaker.

Calorie Counters: They’ve been dieting all week to fit into that party dress and there is no chance your panko-crusted macaroni and cheese balls are making mouth contact. These days, it isn’t a successful party without a licked-clean hummus platter and a painfully full cupcake stand. To get the Calorie Counters salivating properly, gesture at the food table whilst mumbling words like “free range” and “gluten free.”

Party Snobs: The last holiday party they went to had a violinist. The last birthday party they hosted had a bouncy house. The last dinner party they went to was fully catered. Make this the last party of yours they go to.

Theme Slackers: These guests exercised their selective observation skills on the “costume required” section of your Halloween party invite or the “potluck” part of your potluck request. Be ready with extra white elephant gifts, a few quickly defrosted apps, and your high school prom dress. Theme Slackers beware.

Whether it’s the guy who wore green to your white party or the girl who keeps opening your good wine or the kid who pinned the tail on your dog, every party has a pooper. With a few great friends and a fantastic sense of humor, you can get through it unscathed.

What kind of party poopers have you encountered?

Posted in Commentary, Cooking, Family, Food, Friends, Holidays, Humor, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 18 Comments

Social Media Could’ve Saved…

Posted on January 11, 2013 by

elephant_monetThe election is finally over and I’ve already cast my vote for the winner of this season’s The Bachelor, so I figured all my major decisions were behind me for a while. Hasbro, however, has decided to throw a wrench in my plans. In an effort to modernize its classic Monopoly game, the brand is allowing the masses to vote for the next iconic Monopoly token on its Facebook page. But more importantly, it’s also taking opinions on which pieces to save (thimble thimble thimble thimble).

For several years now, social media has helped brands make game-changing decisions. Aside from a few missed opportunities (Twinkie crash of 2012), fans, friends and followers have been responsible for picking new label designs, saving on-the-bubble TV shows, bringing acclaim to underrated talent, and even getting Ken and Barbie back together.

Likes, tweets and shares are signatures on social petitions. If only the brilliance of the people had been there back in yore to spare us from these terrible decisions:

The purple M&M fake out: In 2002, consumers had spoken and they decreed that purple would be the next M to join the won’t-melt-in-your-hand family. Have you eaten a purple M&M in the past ten years that wasn’t at your cousin’s baby shower? Mars didn’t yet have a MySpace page to manage the public outcry.

Series finales of Seinfeld, Dallas and Felicity: Cop out, cop out, and depressing, respectively. Cult hits with cult followings deserve a little closure. Wonderfully, we have a second stab at Dallas and the network is doing an awesome job keeping fans in on the action. Where was this Dallas Pinterest page when fans wanted to find Pamela Ewing’s puffy sleeved dresses in 1983?

The 18th Amendment: Insert loud collective boo here.

Lucky Charms mallow mix-up: Saturday mornings haven’t been the same since 1994 when General Mills changed its yellow moons to blue. Confused children everywhere wondered why their leftover milk was just a little bit greyer.

Super Mario Bros 2: Life-giving turnips? Come on Nintendo.

First Thanksgiving menu: While I like the nice story about working as a new community to plant and harvest corn, couldn’t those guys have aimed their shotgun at a wild lobster? It was New England for crying out loud.

Popple extinction: Remember those little critters that morphed into un-kickable soccer balls? They were ahead of their time. We could have saved them – potentially sparing ourselves from their horrific second-cousin-once-removed Furby.

Monet’s haystacks: Claude is my hero. I’ve visited his home in France, seen his collections in museums world-wide, and his work smatters my every wall; but one haystack was more than enough. Think of all the additional water lilies, Japanese bridges and ladies holding umbrellas we could be enjoying today if he’d had Instagram followers to give him some tough love.

While social media wouldn’t have spared us from everything, I like to think a little pressure from the people could have slightly swayed some of our past decision makers. On the other hand, sometimes the bad TV show or wrong-colored candy coating has overstayed its welcome and the people need to just let it go.

What historical decisions do you wish you’d had a say in via social media?

Posted in 80s, Commentary, Humor, Social Media, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

10 Steps to Crafting Your New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2013 by

elephant_nyeThe toasts have been toasted, the kisses have been kissed, and it’s officially 2013. 2013 is going to be your year – because you’re going to resolve it. And 365 days from now you’re going to be your skinniest, smartest, richest, happiest, prettiest most perfect self. Here’s how:

Step 1: Dig up last year’s resolution list, change the date at the top, then select File> Save As. You should probably just try all those again anyways.

Step 2: Pull up a Thesaurus and find a couple good words for “don’t.” “No,” “stop,” “never,” “give up,” “won’t,” “can’t,” and “valiantly attempt to not” are all good choices.

Step 3: Start your list by selecting two to three marvelous vices to completely abstain from. Drinking, shoe shopping and eating anything “au gratin” should be considered.

Step 4: Replace a few things your 2012-self loved with a few things you know your perfect 2013-self will love. Examples: Pour marinara sauce over kale instead of spaghetti. Read Poe instead of People. Work out instead of not.

Step 5: Toss in a couple bucket list items you’re feeling particularly jazzed about. This is probably a great year to climb Mount Everest.

Step 6: Add something that requires a lot of expensive gear and/or fun gadgets. If you’re going to start saving money by biking to work, you’ll need a new wardrobe, a GPS-enabled watch, special sunglasses, a rad bell, a nifty basket, and a bike.

Step 7: Acquire a new talent. Disc-golf, needlepoint, and the dialects of Southeast Asia are just waiting to be tamed by you.

Step 8: Pick one thing that you will do every-day-forever-no-matter-what. Anything from going for a five mile run to doing a thousand sit ups before bed is reasonable – both is better.

Step 9: Remember it’s not all about you. Don’t forget to save the earth, buy local, volunteer, solve for world peace, and be nicer to your significant other.

Step 10: Pepper in disclaimers to save yourself from another year of failure. Sure you’ll completely give up cake – except for at birthdays, weddings, or when it’s cup-sized. Maybe you won’t “complete” an Iron Man, but you can certainly “register for” one.

By now, your list should look equal parts unreasonable, unattainable, and undesirable, but you’re on your way to perfection. Now off to the gym so you can earn your cupcake.

Me, I’m not much of a perfectionist. Here’s my list of 2013 resolutions:

  1. Talk to people in elevators
  2. Write 100 new blog posts
  3. Actually make banana bread when I have old bananas and someone says “you could make banana bread”
  4. Run ten miles a week – unless I don’t feel like it

What have you resolved for 2013?

Posted in Fitness, Health, Holidays, Humor, Writing | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments