It was only last week when I finally flipped the clock in my car an hour back to align myself with the rest of the country in the fight to save daylight. I believe the call to action for this was circa 2011, but for some reason it seemed much more efficient to do the math each day to ensure I was on time to work, or not late for a doctor’s appointment, or sitting at the wine bar before they stop serving the five dollar cabernet.
My convoluted “inaction” made me realize there’s a form of lazy that far surpasses the standard human-imprint-on-couch variety. It’s the kind where you’d break out the fine china rather than do dishes, microwave a potato to smithereens versus baking it, and otherwise go out of your way to avoid going out of your way. It’s not just plain vanilla lazy, it’s chocolate-covered-razzle-berry-banana-split-sundae lazy; and it’s one of my absolute favorite pastimes. Here are my tried-and-true varieties of extreme lazy:
Lazy Man’s Load: You’ve returned from a full day of shopping and spend thirty-two minutes in front of your trunk contorting yourself into a human camel so as to carry the groceries, garment bags, shoe boxes, and Barbie’s Dream House inside in one trip
Lazy Man’s Dinner: The dishes are dirty and you have no intention of picking up the phone to order out; so you grab a mixing bowl, a wooden spoon, and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Lazy Man’s Laundry: Your folding-aversion leads to clothes lingering for days in the dryer followed by an all-day ironing marathon. Or for the most extreme lazy man… you cut your losses and refresh your wardrobe at Macy’s
Lazy Man’s Work: Your latest assignment is a head-scratcher so you spend three days angling back and forth for an extension before finally succumbing to the hour it takes to complete the whole task
Lazy Man’s Drive: To avoid sitting in traffic you take the one-hour “long cut” home
Lazy Man’s Housework: The kitchen and bathroom need mopping but instead you get on your hands and knees with a box full of Swiffer Wet pads then pop in a new lemon-scented Glade Plug-In
When my extreme lazy side finally made me late for the dentist in November – and then early for a dinner in December – it dawned on me to pencil in a millisecond to hit the giant button on my dashboard and set the time (and world) right. It was at that moment when I experienced the beautiful ah-ha moment you get when you finally – after all the kicking and screaming – get your oil changed, or have your teeth cleaned, or take the Christmas lights off your balcony.
But while time has always proven laziness and procrastination don’t pay off, not much stimlautes the mind more than finding an interesting way to avoid an uninteresting task. What’s your favorite variety of extreme laziness?