I’ve dabbled in online dating over the years – a few good runs on Match, a brief stint on eHarmony, an excruciating six hours on Plenty of Fish – and after much trial and error, I’ve had some killer dates (bungee jumping) and some killer dates (his exact words were, “you don’t carry mace do you?”).
The dates I’ve taken have equipped me with enough stories and lessons to teach a master’s class; but for every adorable guy who greeted me holding his phone over his head playing “In Your Eyes,” there’s a date who didn’t order dinner because he “had a PB&J before I left the house.” Online dating is as risky as going to a restaurant without consulting Yelp – if you’re lucky, the red flags will start waving by the time you’ve ordered your first drink and you can make your escape. If not, you’re going to be stuck with some iffy leftovers.
Fortunately, many prospective dates will wave their red flags proudly right in their profiles and save you the trouble of a bad review. I recently consulted a bunch of friends (both male and female) to discuss their vetting process, and here’s why – no matter how good the menu looks – we pass over a profile:
1.You work hard and play hard. I don’t even know what this means, but I suspect it’s used as a foreshadowing mechanism so I’m not surprised if you stand me up for “a work thing.”
2. Your headline is a quote from a bro movie. I’m not impressed by your rich mahogany and calling someone a “stage-five clinger” is really third date material.
3.You like to laugh, you like to have fun, and you’re laid back. Methinks thou doth protest too much.
4. You use the phrase, “if that just offended you we wouldn’t make a good fit.” This thins the wrong herd.
5. You end your two sentence profile with, “if you want to know more just ask.” You’re the guy who is going to text me “what up” at two in the morning.
6. Your hobbies include working out, your favorite hotspot is the gym, and four of your photos are abs down. I get it, you’re fit. That’s great but I’m not interested in spending our first date comparing heart rates over a bottle of Gatorade.
7. You don’t want drama. Liar.
8. Your bathroom mirror is responsible for all of your profile pictures. I’m not sure whether I’m more concerned that you appear to be a loner or that your smartphone doesn’t have a front-facing camera.
9. You can’t spell. This is me just being judgmental.
10. The last thing you read was Maxim. The last thing I read was a box of Lucky Charms but that’s between me and me. If you haven’t learned how to tell a little white lie by now you’re not ready for a real relationship.
My friends and I have undoubtedly saved some time by recognizing these red flags, although we likely have shortchanged ourselves a good story or two.
Whether or not you’ve ever screened a date online first, there are always red flags in any method of dating. What are your major red flags?
Life isnt all about red flags. I married a woman that put out on the first date, and have more horror stories about women I met in church than anyone…
I love a good horror story. Do tell.
Love your writing, have included you as “other writers I like” on my homepage…
Keep up the great words.
Thank you so much that’s quite a compliment!
I should have seen the red flag long before dinner, but I actually had a Match.com guy admit that he was trying to hypnotize me during dinner. F4 Abort!!
That’s the best worst date ever. It’s a good thing he wasn’t very talented!
Yikes!
Is it bad that this makes me feel a bit better about a few of my horror stories?
Typo in #5. It’s all over.
Ahhhhhh!!!! I’ll win you back.
I particularly enjoy when their first message includes a request for ‘more pics’ – even though my profile has 8 very clear photos of myself, including closeups and full body. You want me to send you porn, I’m on to you!
The creepers need to learn subtlety.
#7 – Yep!
Poor Conrad. You’re definitely a victim.
A major red flag for me is a laundry list of ‘Don’t message me if…’ or ‘What I’m not looking for…’ I’m all for having standards and expectations but doing this usually makes me think one of the following:
-you’re bitter
-you’re not over an ex
-you are going to come with major baggage
-you focus too much on the negative
-no one is ever going to be ‘good enough’ for you
I understand women probably get the most horrific messages, at large volume, from online dating and that it can get extremely frustrating but using your profile as a sounding board against those sorts of things doesn’t give me a reason to send a message to you of any substance.
Totally agree. It’s like when you’re in a store and every sign says, “don’t touch this,” “this is forbidden,” “if your kids do this we’re calling the cops”… doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies.
LOL this makes me insanely glad not to be single – these dudes are no prizes!
It’s an entertaining process for sure! Worth the weeding when you find a good one
Me think you doth make me laugh out loud…..
I owe all of my random English Lit references to you, Mom
While I’m grateful you shared this hilarious piece, who do I speak to about cleaning the vodka I just spat everywhere in a fit of laughter off my laptop?
I don’t normally share links to my own blog but I thought you may fully appreciate these 10 horror stories.
I hope no quality vodka was wasted!
Great post. I bet if I connected my black book with yours we could start a lucrative business. Although I burned mine.
These are genius. I also love “my kids come FIRST” (unnecessarily defensive much?), “no gold diggers”, “no fatties”, “I’m just an average guy” (eg boring), using the word “lover” or the term “making love” in your profile…so many more…
Ah yes the charismatic “no fatties.” I guess we are to be too charmed by their sense of humor to be offended for humankind.
one thing that turned me off when I was online dating was… Im a little shy. That means we are going to sit at a table staring at each other because your too afraid to talk to me. I ran from those guys. You certainly do learn a lot. Great post
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brilliant. read this post, wishing i’d written it.
Brilliant! I wish I wrote this!
My online date told me that the reason he was able to get through college with ADHD was because he slept the entire time. He was so smart that the professors didn’t want to wake him up or he’d correct their work. Then he made fun of my Masters degree.
I just realized I posted a derivitave of this post, hope you don’t mind, you got me thinking.
An 11th reason, as if 10 weren’t enough to raise the red flags of ‘Don’t Go There!’ is when he’s has his profile photos done by a professional, and looks like a cover model..in the photos, but is a diminutive, dumpy baldy in reality…yeah, I’m shallow, I know, but SOME truth in advertising please!
Oh yes I’ve seen those! If they look Photoshopped then they probably are.
This is hilarious. My immediate turn off is bad grammar. It doesn’t matter if a person sounds like my idea of perfection itself, if they can’t take the time to put a ‘yo’ before ‘u’, I’m out. I just can’t forgive it.
I totally agree! There has to be an age cutoff for text speak.
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Great stuff!!! I recently rejoined Match.com. I’m glad to have these very important tips : )
I have had a slew of dates and communication in the past that has left me slowly backing up as I plan my escape route.
From one of the first messages on a dating site:
“You don’t seem to be interested in getting married”
-Well, we have not even met in person yet so how can I be ready for marriage?
After meeting an old co-worker who I used to think was alright (before the career change):
“By the way, I am a stripper now. You don’t have to work anymore. I will take care of everything.”
-We never dated in the past and I just ran into you 15 minutes before hand. Maybe you might be moving a bit to fast!
At the end of a date:
“Can you see yourself falling in love with someone like me?”
-Once again…maybe a bit to early for this question. I did enjoy the dinner and you told some funny stories but maybe I can figure this out after another date – or forty!
I guess I am a kook magnet!
I met my husband online but I had to date 40 other men before I met him. I averaged 4 dates a day on weekends. I kept a record of everyone I went out with in a file, much to the amusement of my friends but I thought it might help the police if I disappeared. Most were nice enough with only a few crazies and one downright dangerous guy who I refused to meet in person. He sent me threatening texts for a while but he made the mistake of using his work phone so I told his boss (who happened to be an old boy friend) and he was fired. 3 or 4 or them may have got somewhere if I hadn’t met the man I married and quickly forgot about them! We’ve been together three years soon and married for a year. He’s the head of an energy company and so far I’ve lived in 5 different countries since our marriage. Online dating is exhausting. I only did it for 6 weeks but it was ultimately worth it. It’s important to have a thick skin and escape plan but brutal honesty works as well. If you give hope you invite pestering.